June 1, 2011


as i work on luminaria bags for the relay for life,
i found this excerpt from a grey's anatomy episode.
a lost treasure i found on my computer from who knows how long ago.
every line.
so true.
so real.
so raw.

Lexie: Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Meredith: There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Alex: Denial.
Derek: Anger.
Bailey: Bargaining.
Lexie: Depression.
Richard: Acceptance.

every year, the relay for life is such a bitter sweet moment for me.
it's so inspiring to see all those who have won their battle.
yet, so hard to see how many have lost.

i struggle mostly with this:
as a mother, i want the very best for my child.
a perfect world.
with no hurt.
or pain.
or sadness.
i want him to have 2 grandmas here on earth.
one grammie mj
and one grandma annie
i don't want to go to the cemetery to celebrate birthdays.

life's not fair.
not fair at all.


Anonymous said...

I like this excerpt from grey's...it is so true and right on point. Know that you are not alone in wanting the best for your child. I want the best for ours, and we don't even have them yet. It is hard to know that our kids will never know Tim's dad, Deryl, and I'm sure that we will also spend many birthdays at the same cemetery where Grandma Annie is at. It is so hard to say goodbye and settle into the stage of grief that is acceptance. Your blog post was very touching to me and it is comforting to know we're all connected and going through similar battles in life and death. Thanks so much for your insight, openess, and honesty! -Emily Peterson

Brady Andrew Weedin said...

Michaela this is so true--I agree the most important thing in grief is honesty. Cash's eyes say it all in that picture, beautiful but heartbreaking at the same time. :(

Jessica said...

such a beautiful picture of your little boy, but i understand what your saying. it breaks my heart to think of the pain of this world.

CaseyWiegand said...

This post is beautiful, YOU are beautiful! So so happy to know you... Xoxo

Anonymous said...

So nice Michaela...i too have been involved with our relay for life for a number of years now, and as i walk around our track at night with the glow from the hundreds of luminaria's, it's my sister's glow above me that keeps me walking through the night and into the morning light. Sarah

Anonymous said...

Grief is hard and unfair. Your son is gorgeous.


Danielle said...

My littles lost their grandfather this past November. Most likely only my 5 year old will remember him...it's hard. Someone at the funeral said "they won't even remember him." Uh duh ~ but shut up already. We will try are hardest to keep him present. :)

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